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Resentments March 21, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — singlewhitediabetic @ 11:14 am

re·sent·ment

  [ri-zent-muhnt]  

noun

the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.
 
I’ve recently been working on clearing out those pesky resentments I carry around in my life at people, places and things.  While not a fun task, I have found it healthy and helpful.  However, I have, for months, neglected writing about all the resentment I have at the big D.  When challenged of why this is the case, I realized its because diabetes isn’t going anywhere.  A lot of other things were single actions/times that took place in the past.  They aren’t part of my future.  It makes it feel a lot different.  It also shows the importance of why I need to come to peace, as best I can, with the resentment I have at this disease.  
 
So, my new plan is:
  1. Write about why I’m resentful about it now.  
  2. Pray about those things.  
  3. Plan on how to continue to improve my care for the future.

I like lists, so lets do it that way.  In no particular order, I am resentful at diabetes because of the following:

  • It will likely never go away.
  • Its sometimes unpredictable and often unscientific.
  • It can cause death slowly or quickly.
  • There are a lot of misconceptions about it and stereotypes that cause others to judge me unfairly.
  • It scares me.  
  • It’s expensive.  Very.  Even with insurance.
  • It never turns off.  
  • I have to give it attention quite frequently:  before I consume any food, after I consume food, before any physical activity, any time I am not feeling “right”, before I go to sleep.
  • How it acts on a “normal” day can change drastically if I am sick, stressed or have my period.
  • Medical folks are often very ignorant of it and say things to me that are untrue.  
  • My belly looks like a battlefield due to pump sites.
  • I manage best when I have external devices attached to me and I hate to have external devices attached to me all the time.
  • I have had a harder time managing my weight with it and have gained quite a bit since diagnosed.  
  • I have to see a lot more doctors.  Assuming nothing is wrong I should have a minimum of like 10 appointments a year.  
  • Diabetic retinopathy.
  • Other potential complications.
  • It takes up physical space in my fridge and pantry.
  • Other people judge what I eat/do once they know.
  • I judge myself harshly on occasion.  

That last one is a bigger one than I’d like.  I wonder what things I might have done to contribute to my pancreas being a dud.  I judge what I eat and how I treat.  I get angry, sad, discouraged and overwhelmed on a semi-regular basis.  

Still, I keep going and dealing because there’s not really another option I’m okay with.  I have a brand new monitor coming Monday and that will be part of Step 3.  Closer control and better understanding.  

There are upsides, but that’s not what I’m posting about today, so I’ll close now.  🙂  Thanks for listening.